Explosive reaction to deciding to not meet a girl I was interested in after she told me she just met someone else she's more interested in than me. In this normal here?

Question

So I haven't really gone out that much since I moved to Tokyo from Osaka at the start of covid, so I decided to go to one of those international party meetup events. I was a bit skeptical because I went to a few meetups around 5 or 6 years ago and there were some weird people, but I've gotten into a bit of a bad pattern of feeling anxious about going out since covid, and I thought this would be a good way to force myself out of my comfort zone and not feel like the only gaijin for a night haha. I'll admit that I haven't dated someone in a few years and I wanted to potentially meet a girl, but I wasn't super focused in on that or anything. Just talked to people and relaxed. I don't have the personality for nanpa I'm pretty laid back and feel secure enough in myself to not have to fill some void with that or something.

I did meet a girl at that party though, for probably less than 5 minutes? But I felt like we had good chemistry. We both looked at each other and she smiled, so I tried saying hi. We talked about music and some stuff we liked. It's hard to explain, but I just felt like we had a good energy (or something?), like I didn't need to try that hard. She complimented my outfit and kept hitting my arm when she laughed, so I took this as a hint that maybe I should ask for her line haha. And we exchanged instagram. Whatever, expectations ended there (I've been burned a lot, so I tend to talk myself down from getting excited.) But I did message her the next day, and asked her if she was free in the next few weeks to get coffee or something.

She said that she's currently doing shukatsu, and is really busy with that (She did the whole "I can meet in a month!" thing Japanese people do lol), so I kind of just left it there, but she seemed genuinely down about getting rejected from some companies she wanted to enter, so I sent over some words of encouragement. I had a really hard time with job hunting, so I just imagined what I would have wanted somebody to say to me and sent that. I don't know, maybe I went a bit too far? I have a hard time with the copy / paste nature of Japanese conversations at the beginning, and try to be a bit more open and genuine...which I think she appreciated? But now I'm wondering haha.

Anyways, a few weeks pass and she invites me to this music event, but I had another plan that day so I declined. After that she started replying slower and slower, so I pretty much accepted that the timing got messed up, and that whatever chemistry might have been there probably fizzled out.

Then the other day she messages me and asks me if I'm free this Sunday to get coffee. Great! So I find a place and we decide on a time, only for her to message me back to tell me that she met someone else that she likes, so that she would like to meet me if we can go as friends.

So I sent something like "そうか！友達以上の関係になりたいと思ったので、友達として行くのはちょっとつらいかな？今回は遠慮しようか？ :)

(Basically saying that I was interested in her romantically, and it would be a little difficult for us to be friends, but thanks :) )

"Oh really? Well, I thought you were interesting and I would like to meet you again, so let me know if you change your mind. Are you sure?"

So I said "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty embarrassed right now to be honest. I'll probably be sad for a day or two, but then we can meet again. No problem!"

So then she sends me like 6 messages in a row saying how the event wasn't for dating, and how could I possible see her as a romantic interested after talking to her for 5 minutes. And how her friend is helping to run the event, so now she is going to report me and get me banned from the event. "I'm not interested in you, so don't message me again." And then she blocked me.

I tried creating another account to explain to her that I was sad because I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I was jealous of the other guy, not because I didn't want to be friends. But that that feeling went away after 20 minutes, and that we can be friends it's all good.

She blocked me again without a response... and now I can probably never go to that event again.

I mean, the funniest thing is that she told me that she met the guy she's interested in at that event lmao, but apparently it's not for dating. You have to pretend to not be dating until you meet and decide that you're dating, but the 3rd time you meet you better do kokuhaku or you're...not dating?

Lol I mean this just totally blindsided me. I could understand her feeling awkward about it, but trying to ban me from the event for not wanting to go out as friends after she told me she liked somebody else she met at the event more than me? I mean, do I really have an obligation to go get coffee with her after that? She blocked me and banned me because I told her I felt sad about that. I mean, wtf.

Am I crazy? This seemed like a massive overreaction to me, and I feel like she's taking something out on me that happened completely unrelated to our conversation. I mean, is it really seen as scummy or something to not want to hang out with a girl you meet at a party after she says that she met someone else? Is it really weird for me to think that a party might be a potential place to meet someone to date? I don't get it lol.

And I've been here a long time. Around 9 years. But this one takes the cake as the biggest uno-reverse card gaslighting bs from a Japanese girl I've experienced yet. "Oh, you feel sad that I'm friend-zoning you? Well, you're banned from all of our future events, you fucking creep. You were my second choice but it seems like my 1st choice is going to kokuhaku soon, so cya! Don't want to deal with it!"

This happened last night I think I'm still in a bit of a state of shock about it lol

adrianeweinzierl · Answer

honestly dude you're not crazy, that reaction was way out of line. i've been to those international party events in shibuya and roppongi and yeah they're weird, but getting banned for saying you're disappointed? that's next level.

the whole "this event isn't for dating" thing is such bs when she literally met someone there she's now interested in. japanese dating culture is already confusing with all the reading between lines, but she straight up gaslit you. you handled it fine, your message was polite and honest.

probably best to just move on and find other events. there's plenty of places in shimokitazawa or koenji where people are more chill and don't flip out over normal human emotions. you dodged a weird one.

babette · Answer

honestly that whole situation is wild but i think youre missing something about how these events work. those international party meetups in tokyo are kind of a weird scene where everyone pretends theyre just there to make friends but the whole point is obviously dating. the organizers know this too so her threatening to get you banned is just empty words, theyre not gonna ban someone for being honest about their feelings

the real red flag here is her flipping out over you being honest about being hurt. thats not a japanese thing or a cultural thing, thats just someone who cant handle rejection themselves even though she was the one doing the rejecting. you said 9 years in japan so you know the whole tatemae/honne dance but this is beyond that. she wanted you to play along with the "lets just be friends" script even though we all know what that means in this context

fwiw i think you handled it fine. being direct about your feelings is rare here but its not wrong. the whole "report you" thing is just her overcompensating because she feels guilty for leading you on or whatever. give it a week and youll prob laugh about how ridiculous this all is

adelina · Answer

yeah those international party events in shibuya are a weird scene tbh. i've been to a few in the 2k area near the crossing and they attract a mix of people who aren't great at social stuff in general. her reaction was completely disproportionate, like you said "i feel sad" shouldn't trigger a ban threat.

the double standard is funny though. she met the other guy at the same event but it's "not for dating" until someone decides it is. classic japanese group event mental gymnastics. you were honest and polite, which is more than most guys would be in that situation.

honestly just find different spots. there's a good cafe in yoyogi-uehara called something like bear pond espresso that's more laid back and people actually talk to each other without all the weird rules. or check out some live houses in kichijoji if you're into music. the scene there is way more genuine than those meetup events.

ria · Answer

that whole situation is just bizarre, the overreaction is unreal. sounds like she got defensive cause she realized how it looked, flaking on you after inviting you out just to say she found someone else at the same event. honestly, fuji rock or a random bar in kichijoji might be more your speed, those international meetups are always a bit of a circus

klarissaholzapfel · Answer

nah you're not crazy, that reaction was way over the top. i've been to those international party events in roppongi and shibuya and they're basically meat markets disguised as language exchange, everyone knows that. the irony of her saying it's not for dating while she literally met someone there she's dating now is pretty funny though

but honestly, the way she flipped from "let's be friends" to banning you in like 2 messages says more about her than you. japanese people usually avoid confrontation at all costs, so for her to go that hard means she prob has some stuff going on. you dodged a messy situation

the event organizer probably won't even remember your face if you go back in a few months, those places have high turnover anyway. and next time, maybe skip the part where you tell someone you'll be sad for a day or two - it's honest but japanese girls tend to read that as emotional baggage rather than just being real

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